Monday, March 22, 2010

Attention grabbing facebook updates

____ Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
____ That would suck if your name was Rick Shaw and you lived in China. (
____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber. 

____ I can't help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.

____ Sorry, I don't know why that happened. Facebook made all these changes and they randomly blocked a bunch of my friends that I can't stand. 

____ That awkward moment when someone really hot talks to you and you suddenly forget what language you speak. 

____ The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE. 

____ You could probably bounce a coin off my abs if you have low expectations of bouncing and are a money-throwing weirdo. 

____ I'm already done with my Christmas Shopping! Yeah, I'm easy to buy for.

____ I'd bite my nails less if there wasn't always chocolate frosting under them. 

____ This “random acts of kindness” thing is hard. I’m going back to violence.

____ I hate when the definition of a word has other words in it that I have to look up also.

____ Just changed my wifi name to, "I watch you get naked" to stir up some chatter before the neighborhood Christmas Party...Also, because I do. 

____ My psychologist didn't really mean it when she encouraged me to “bare all”... 

____ doesn't exercise on weekends because I know that at some point I'll be running in heels and climbing through a 2nd story window. 

____ I had a talk with my friend about the past, the present and the future.. it was tense 

____ Apparently the sub-woofer I hooked up in my office earlier this morning is NOT “appropriate for a work environment”…but I was playing Christmas carols so I am claiming religious persecution.

____ I'm not like most people. I judge the book and the cover separately. 

____ When are we all going to stop pretending that Hyper-Color underwear wouldn't have been pretty awesome? 

____ Please, if I ever offend you, it's because I meant to.

____ If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials. 

____ If you ever get caught looking over the dressing room wall while stalking someone just simply ask "hey, do you know what time it is?". That takes the creepy out of it. 

____ I tried to daydream but my mind wanders 

____ Innuendo, a word that defines itself.
____ Never mind the meaning of life, I'd just settle for someone telling me how to put on a shirt without getting deodorant down the side of it. 

____ Tater Tots = Little potatoes that are snacks. Hater Tots = Little kids that are a$$holes.

____ My O face is exactly the same face of me looking at a plate of bacon. (

____ The only reason I got into business was the hope that one day I could start answering my phone with "Go!".
____ Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?" 
____ 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husband. And 100% of pets say this crazy woman won't shut up.
____ For Christmas this year I'm giving the kids the same thing I always give them: something to cry about. 




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…is the only male/female left on earth. What would you do?
…should get A) a haircut, B) a tattoo, C) a piercing, or D) all of the above.
…should get A) an afro, B) dreadlocks, C) a mullet, or D) a moptop.
…is thinking about learning a new language. Suggestions are welcome.
…is at your house.
…grants you ONE wish…
…changed his/her status update just to see your reaction
…is playing hide-and-seek.

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