latest funny Tweets / latest funny facebook updates

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71. Insert coin to view my status message.

72. I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

73. I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants.

74. Jail has been sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.

75. I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

76. I refuse to participate in this thing called morning without coffee.

77. Why I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.

78. Thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.

79. The only constant is change, except from a vending machine.

80. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

attention grabbing tweets for twitter

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41. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ~ George Carlin.

42. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

43. I just took an IQ test and the results were negative!

44. I actually just complained that my back was sore from lying by the pool yesterday. I'm officially worthless.

45. A law that made itillegalto lie about military medals has just been overturned. Also, my resumé just got interesting.

46. Watching televised golf is the equivalent of waiting to die.

47. Why is it every time I see a girl with a tiara on her head,I have to fight an overwhelming urge to smack it off their head.

48. Just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!

49. Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open.

50. People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. Anyone who actually saw you vanish would be pretty freaked out.