new funny facecebook status updaes

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____ Note to self: Blaming the chair doesn't work when the fart was silent.
____ To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.
____ If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too. We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first
____ I'm beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work
____ I hate when I forget my password... then have to waste 30 seconds of my life to reset it! (Jack Wagon)
____ I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding.
____ That awkward moment when you compliment a guy's belt buckle...and I really hope that I don't have to explain why this is awkward. 
____ I am going to concentrate on what's important in life. I'm going to strive everyday to be a kind and generous and loving person. After that I am going to sprout wings and fly to the moon.
____ Its a funny sensation, holding a cold beer with your thighs while typing a Facebook status. 

Funny Status Messages for Facebook

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____ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary. 
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood. 
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 

____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it. 
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman?
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts.
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves. 
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it. 
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?

____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans? 
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

Funny and Clever facebook updates

Name is

reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min


very very very slee

Right BEHIND YOU! Boo!

going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...

Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!

the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter

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to sexy for this status

bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!

hip to your jive talk

dy-no-mite

wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB

the guy who put the FUN in dysfunctional

an undercover cop

calculating pi

America's next top model!

updating his Facebook status