nice facebook status updates

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____ GODDAMMIT!!! YOU GUYS ARE ON MY FRIENDS LIST BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE EVERYTHING I POST!!!! ~ Everyone, probably. 
____ Ladies: If after one date you tell me, "OMG, you're exactly like me!" That kinda scares me off. I know what I'm like.
____ The next person that tells me I have no shame...probably knows me pretty damn well.
____ If there is one thing I've learned in life: an opossum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. 
____ When someone says literally, most of the times its not literal. The world is full of liars.
____ Every scar tells an interesting story. Except acne scars, those are pretty boring stories... 
____ I hate having to explain myself. Don't ask me why. 
____ Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one has insurance. Don't kill him."
____ woke up thirty minutes ago, and it's already been "one of those days".
____ Well, he never showed up for our date, so I'm assuming my imaginary doctor boyfriend is off saving lives or something. That's SO like him! 
____ True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
____ wanna go deaf for a few minutes? bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?"
____ I took one of my girlfriends vitamins this morning and if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me.
____ Just pointed at my bag of gummie sharks and said "you're next" as I walked out of the kitchen with a piece of toast. So yeah, big night ahead of me.
____ Better get off of Facebook soon. It's Friday night, and these cats won't Bedazzle themselves...
____ accidentally called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said “make it quick.”
____ My inner voices are giving me all sorts of New Year's resolution ideas. No wait.. That's just the dishwasher running.
____ Whenever I block someone from Facebook, I pretend I'm the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld: "No soup for you!" and then I laugh and laugh. 

Nice sayings

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Many of us are more capable than some of us...

but none of us is as capable as all of us!!
~Author : Tom Wilson Ziggy comic Witty Sayings

I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street.
~Author : Virginia Woolf Motivational Sayings

The true way to soften one's troubles is to solace those of others.
~Author : Madame de Maintenon Famous Quotes

A motion to adjourn is always in order.
~Author : Robert Heinlein Lazarus Long Time Enough For Love Inspirational Sayings

A reporter is always concerned with tomorrow. There's nothing tangible of yesterday. All I can say I've done is agitate the air ten or fifteen minutes and then boom -- it's gone.
~Author : Edward R Murrow Nice one liners Quotes

NICE FACEBOOK AND ORKUT STATUS MESSAGES

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NAME

-was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.

-will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!

-is reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

-is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.

-will never put salt in my eye. never Put Salt in my eye. Put Salt in my eye. Always put salt in my eye.

-didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

-is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.

-never makes stupid mistakes ..... only very clever ones .....

-gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

-would like you to give him back that filet o' fish! Give me that fish!