funny facebook status updates 2013

____ Marriage is basically just 99% replying to each other with... "I don't care, what do you want for dinner?" 
____ Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you're in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. 
____ The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work.
____ The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. 
____ Me: Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three...
911 Operator: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?
Me: Maybe
911 Operator: Sir...please stop 
____ I woke up late. - obamas fault. I stubbed my toe - obamas fault. I hit a squirrel - obamas fault. I have indigestion - obamas fault. I hate you - obamas fault. 
____ Had a good workout at the gym today. 50 reps on the bench press. Working my way up to actually putting weights on the bar.
____ ...so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down... 

funny facebook status updates on olympians / funny tweets about olympics

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1. Rain……Official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games.
2. The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
3. Just got my tickets to the Olympic women’s beach volleyball final! Unfortunately, it’s Iran versus Saudi Arabia.
4. Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics
5. How about those Olympic uniforms? They’re made by Ralph Lauren and they’re beautiful. They’re colorful, they’re odd. I mean they look like the cast of ‘Glee.’
6. President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president
7. The 2012 Olympic games opening will have great lights, huge bangs and the guaranteed surprise thrown in here and there, the Taliban are confident it’ll be the best one yet.
8. 
   
9. At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it’s 150,000. That’s 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else
10. 
    
11. The government have advised people to watch out that they’re not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets. I think I’ll be alright though. My tickets for the men’s wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

latest funny Tweets / latest funny facebook updates

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71. Insert coin to view my status message.

72. I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

73. I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants.

74. Jail has been sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.

75. I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

76. I refuse to participate in this thing called morning without coffee.

77. Why I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.

78. Thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.

79. The only constant is change, except from a vending machine.

80. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.