FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

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____ "Are you single?" "No, I'm in a committed endless discussion about where to have dinner." 
____ The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
____ I think once we get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges, we can really make this relationship work. 
____ You call it stalking...I call it a complicated long distance relationship with lack of effort to make this thing work on your part. 
____ You call it Russian Roulette. I call it coming home to my wife every day.
____ that awkward moment when you realize your husband DOES check Facebook. 
____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definitely be a Facebook option. 
____ I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.
____ Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
____ Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? 

NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGES

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1. ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

2. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

3. Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

4. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

5. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

6. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

7. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

8. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

9. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

10. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

latest funny Tweets / latest funny facebook updates

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71. Insert coin to view my status message.

72. I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

73. I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants.

74. Jail has been sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.

75. I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

76. I refuse to participate in this thing called morning without coffee.

77. Why I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.

78. Thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.

79. The only constant is change, except from a vending machine.

80. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

hilarious facebook status messages

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___ This crazy chick figured out all the accounts I was stalking her with. What a psycho!! 
____ The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie? 
____ Uno gross face. (Just dusting up on my Spanish.) 
____ The easiest way for me to tell if a woman is really listening to me is if she rolls her eyes.
____ Some stupid girl just called me immature which is ridiculous...because I'm 21 and a half.
____ I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?" 
____ My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination. 
____ I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?
____ Took a random unmarked pill I found on the floor because times are tough and no matter what happens it'll make for a good Status.
____ I just found a giant booger under the desk. I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and I will call him George. 
____ Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
____ I bet this status is not gonna make it to the blog.
____ Today I had some ice cream without sprinkles. Diets are brutal.
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. 
____ is having a screw driver...minus the orange juice. 
____ I'm glad you like my post. I just hope you don't try to comment and ruin it.
____ If you ever buy a toilette in which the manufacture states you can flush up to 15 golf balls without clogging it up, don't ever try it. That's all I am sayin'
____ I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

Funny Status Messages for Facebook

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____ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary. 
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood. 
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 

____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it. 
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman?
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts.
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves. 
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it. 
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?

____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans? 
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

funniest facebook status updates

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____ I only have two rules 1) Never forget. and 2) .... Uhm... Dammit! 
____ I have all the money I WILL EVER NEED - - - - if I die by 5:30pm today. 
____ People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz. 
____ The zoo is a safe place to fart. 
____ Sometimes I post stuff for the funny comments 
____ As I handed my mother her 50th birthday card, she said, "One would have done." 
____ If a "g" falls in the woods, he would probably get all caught up in his gold chains and never make it out. 
____ "I wish I could answer phone calls with my Walkman" -Steve Jobs in the 80's. 
____ My dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got kicked out of the fire brigade.
____ Today is my Tuesday. 
____ "APRIL FOOLS!!!" - Mark Zuckerburg, about the new Timeline...probably not... 
____ THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER READ. 
____ Who else here is a master baiter? Yeah, I enjoy fishing too.