FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

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____ "Are you single?" "No, I'm in a committed endless discussion about where to have dinner." 
____ The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
____ I think once we get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges, we can really make this relationship work. 
____ You call it stalking...I call it a complicated long distance relationship with lack of effort to make this thing work on your part. 
____ You call it Russian Roulette. I call it coming home to my wife every day.
____ that awkward moment when you realize your husband DOES check Facebook. 
____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definitely be a Facebook option. 
____ I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.
____ Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
____ Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? 

Funny and hilarious Facebook status updates on london olympics 2012 / funny and hilarious tweets on london olympics 2012

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1. Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE! 
2. That awkward moment when you realize Gabby Douglas’ last name unscrambled is “USA Gold”. Congrats Gabby Douglas!
3. Facebook is like a diary for me. An awesome funny diary that sometimes, annoyingly, talks back.
4. If you dont know, please ask. If you dont agree, Argue. If you dont like it, please say it. But don’t sit there quiet and judge me.
5. Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
6. Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person says: hi
7. Knowing your family so well that you can tell who’s coming down the stairs by the sound of their footsteps.
8. Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates.
9. Little known fact 83 million Facebook accounts are fake! That’s 1 in 12 accounts.
10. Life is like Facebook. People will like your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
11. From this point on; I’m going to treat people exactly how they treat me. Some should be glad. Others should be scared.

Latest funny facebook status updates / latest funny tweets

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Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Milton Berle

Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Steven Weinberg

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Anonymous

I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Unknown

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
E. DeGeners

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle

Funny facebook status updates / funny tweets

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1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
3. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
4. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
5. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
6. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. The longer the title the less important the job.
9. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Latest funny facebook updates / Funny tweets

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It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGES

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1. ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

2. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

3. Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

4. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

5. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

6. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

7. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

8. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

9. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

10. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

Funny tweets for twitter

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31. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.

32. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

33. We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

34. Had pie for breakfast, now going to ride my mountain bike and listen to punk rock and heavy metal. Suck it, adulthood. I win.

35. If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will hide my porn.

36. I'll be moving to LA and staying there for the first three months of 2010. I'll be looking for friends and, if that fails, cocaine.

37. "Twilight" and "New Moon" are great names for strippers.

38. Can you claim "temporary insanity" in daily life/ text situations or does it have to be court related?

39. When im talking to someone, i tend to lose interest after about 140 characters.

40. "The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." –Abraham Lincoln

Hilarious facebook status updates / funny tweets

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21. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirtypirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

22. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

23. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.

24. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.

25. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

26. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

27. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

28. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

29. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

30. Wishing yourpetscould talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

Nice facebook status updates

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11. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

12. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?

13. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.

14. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.

15. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things.

16. Japan's new first lady saysaliensonce took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.

17. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.

18. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.

19. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

20. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

Funny Facebook updates and funny tweets

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1. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.

2. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.

3. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.

4. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

5. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

6. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

7. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.

8. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression?

9. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

10. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.

funny facebook status updates

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___ Hey, person I went to high school with: If your Facebook friend request is more communication than we had in high school, the answer is no. 
____ The first rule of foot up your ass club is stfu.
____ "My nickname is "Snooze" because I get hit on a lot!" - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. 
____ All this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
____ When I die I want my gravestone to say, "Don't just stand there, water my flowers!!" (Donna Scott)
____ What is wrong with me!!!? Asking for a friend. 
____ Roses are red and violets are blue, which makes "violet" a really stupid name for them.
____ Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.
____ I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver. 
____ Siri never talks to me. Probably because I don't have an iPhone 4. 

new funny facecebook status updaes

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____ Note to self: Blaming the chair doesn't work when the fart was silent.
____ To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.
____ If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too. We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first
____ I'm beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work
____ I hate when I forget my password... then have to waste 30 seconds of my life to reset it! (Jack Wagon)
____ I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding.
____ That awkward moment when you compliment a guy's belt buckle...and I really hope that I don't have to explain why this is awkward. 
____ I am going to concentrate on what's important in life. I'm going to strive everyday to be a kind and generous and loving person. After that I am going to sprout wings and fly to the moon.
____ Its a funny sensation, holding a cold beer with your thighs while typing a Facebook status. 

New funny facebook status updates

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___ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood.
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 
____ In honor of my 100th post on MSIB, baconvodkastatusrockslotsoflikes. 
____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman? 
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts. 
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves.
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it.
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you. 
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans?
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

hilarious facebook status messages

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___ This crazy chick figured out all the accounts I was stalking her with. What a psycho!! 
____ The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie? 
____ Uno gross face. (Just dusting up on my Spanish.) 
____ The easiest way for me to tell if a woman is really listening to me is if she rolls her eyes.
____ Some stupid girl just called me immature which is ridiculous...because I'm 21 and a half.
____ I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?" 
____ My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination. 
____ I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?
____ Took a random unmarked pill I found on the floor because times are tough and no matter what happens it'll make for a good Status.
____ I just found a giant booger under the desk. I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and I will call him George. 
____ Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
____ I bet this status is not gonna make it to the blog.
____ Today I had some ice cream without sprinkles. Diets are brutal.
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. 
____ is having a screw driver...minus the orange juice. 
____ I'm glad you like my post. I just hope you don't try to comment and ruin it.
____ If you ever buy a toilette in which the manufacture states you can flush up to 15 golf balls without clogging it up, don't ever try it. That's all I am sayin'
____ I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

Funny Status Messages for Facebook

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____ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary. 
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood. 
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 

____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it. 
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman?
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts.
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves. 
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it. 
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?

____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans? 
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

funniest facebook status updates

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____ I only have two rules 1) Never forget. and 2) .... Uhm... Dammit! 
____ I have all the money I WILL EVER NEED - - - - if I die by 5:30pm today. 
____ People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz. 
____ The zoo is a safe place to fart. 
____ Sometimes I post stuff for the funny comments 
____ As I handed my mother her 50th birthday card, she said, "One would have done." 
____ If a "g" falls in the woods, he would probably get all caught up in his gold chains and never make it out. 
____ "I wish I could answer phone calls with my Walkman" -Steve Jobs in the 80's. 
____ My dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got kicked out of the fire brigade.
____ Today is my Tuesday. 
____ "APRIL FOOLS!!!" - Mark Zuckerburg, about the new Timeline...probably not... 
____ THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER READ. 
____ Who else here is a master baiter? Yeah, I enjoy fishing too. 

witty facebook status updates

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____ There once was a fellow who was kinda mellow, He sat on his couch and facebooked. His wife didn't like it, took his Ipad and spiked it. Thank God he still has his nook. 
____ NAKED LADY WALKING RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF 7TH!! And that's how I got the last 2 donuts. 
____ Doctors advised Willie Nelson that having his deviated septum fixed would ruin his career...
____ My name is Daniel, not that anyone cares. 
____ What if I only want half the shebang? wtf. 
____ High mai naym is Miz.Speld. I'll bee yore teechur tooday. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working. 
____ I had a dream that I was the bottom of a vodka bottle. 
____ Ok guys I just finished my lunch so now I'm off to work...on a new status idea! 
____ Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds, huh? 
____ I need a major attitude adjustment.. and I think I just found it in this bong. 
____ Sometimes, when I don't want anyone to talk to me, I stand on a busy street corner with a clip board. 
____ I'm pretty jealous of strippers because having their periods is a legitimate excuse to not come in to work.

laughter creating status updates

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____ My wife keeps nagging me to drive more slowly but I've put my foot down. 
____ So the new Titanic 3D is out? Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time. 
____ This is proof enough that I can function properly after only 4 hours of sleep. 
____ Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!? 
____ I wonder how many people sh*t in sh*ts creek? 
____ I HATE IT WHEN THE POLICE WANT TO ACT LIKE FITNESS INSTRUCTORS AND CHASE ME EVERYWHERE. 
____ Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron. 
____ after finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127. 
____ Women don't poop, they hold it in and it comes out as drama. 
____ These mushrooms look suspicious. I'd better eat ALL of them. 
____ Waiting for my favorite day of the week... Weedsnesday.
____ Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze? 

Hilarious facebook status updates

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____ My best friend is Hilarious! (Well, her name's Hilary, and she's Greek) 
____ I posted a joke on the wall at work and no one liked it. :( 
____ I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich. 
____ I hate being Bipolar. It's great! 
____ A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered. 
____ My Optician told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision. 
____ You can tell me it was curiosity but I have a feeling it was obesity that killed that fat ass cat. 
____ "Want to get a drink?" "Later" "How about now?" "Later.." "Now?" "Later.." "Now?" - If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend.
____ FYI: No, I’m not feeling violent.... I’m feeling creative with weapons. 
____ I think I'm gonna listen to my Seal CD on the way home. Ooooowwa Ooooowwa Ooooowwa!
I taped it at SeaWorld. 
____ I'm kind of a hipster because I broke my hip way before osteoperosis set in. 
____ I was going through customs at the airport and was asked if I had any drugs. Apparently "what do you need?" was the wrong answer. 

weird facebook status updates

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____ It's funny how Disney films sometimes have hidden subliminal messages. For example, play Cinderella in reverse and it's the story of a woman who learns her place. 
____ I give the thumbs up ALL THE TIME. (If you replace thumbs with middle fingers) 
____ ever wondered how many weirdos have printed your profile pic, put it in their wallet, and gone around telling everyone you're their girlfriend? 
____ Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later. 
____ Why does everybody assume that I play the banjo? I do but DANG!
____ I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy. 
____ I always go to work on my birthday... just for the free cake! 
____ I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline" 
____ I am looking forward to the 3D Titanic movie because I anticipate that that scene where the two young lovers are at the front of the ship pretending to fly will make for an awesome Kate Winslett boobie shot. 
____ Today is one of those days where f*ck you. 
____ I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE! I just kinda sidestep and stroll off whistling with my hands in my pockets. 
____ I’ve given the finger so many times today, I think it’s stuck in position. That means I'm all set for the rest of the week. :)
____ I love my job as a stone collector...it rocks!
____ Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time.