FACEBOOK STATUS WHICH ARE FUNNY

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____ My wife: “What’s Facebook like?” Me: “It’s amazing.” Her: “OK, I’ll join.” Me: “Oh look, Facebook just shut down forever. That’s too bad.” (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Wow.. I didn't know spandex could hold that much. (Toni Daniels)
____ America was not shut down properly. Would you like to restart America in safe mode? (Recommended) (Kara Felice)
____ I would never take a bullet for anyone, because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and stealing is just plain wrong. (Gary Hensley)
____ Personally I think that every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about." ...(Shauna Richards)
____ Bread is so lazy. All it does is loaf around. I'll leave now. (Stacy Fournier)
____ If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those. (Gary Hensley)
____ Call me crazy, but I don't think I really need to be in this mental institution. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure & called an ambulance. (Billy Guy)
____ Every time this status gets a 'Like' a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ No, Ignorance isn't bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid. (Lisa Brooks)

Funny facebook status updates / funny tweets

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1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
3. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
4. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
5. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
6. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. The longer the title the less important the job.
9. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGES

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1. ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

2. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

3. Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

4. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

5. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

6. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

7. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

8. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

9. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

10. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

Funny tweets for twitter

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31. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.

32. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

33. We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

34. Had pie for breakfast, now going to ride my mountain bike and listen to punk rock and heavy metal. Suck it, adulthood. I win.

35. If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will hide my porn.

36. I'll be moving to LA and staying there for the first three months of 2010. I'll be looking for friends and, if that fails, cocaine.

37. "Twilight" and "New Moon" are great names for strippers.

38. Can you claim "temporary insanity" in daily life/ text situations or does it have to be court related?

39. When im talking to someone, i tend to lose interest after about 140 characters.

40. "The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." –Abraham Lincoln

Hilarious facebook status updates / funny tweets

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21. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirtypirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

22. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

23. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.

24. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.

25. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

26. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

27. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

28. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

29. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

30. Wishing yourpetscould talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

new funny facecebook status updaes

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____ Note to self: Blaming the chair doesn't work when the fart was silent.
____ To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though.
____ If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too. We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first
____ I'm beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work
____ I hate when I forget my password... then have to waste 30 seconds of my life to reset it! (Jack Wagon)
____ I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding.
____ That awkward moment when you compliment a guy's belt buckle...and I really hope that I don't have to explain why this is awkward. 
____ I am going to concentrate on what's important in life. I'm going to strive everyday to be a kind and generous and loving person. After that I am going to sprout wings and fly to the moon.
____ Its a funny sensation, holding a cold beer with your thighs while typing a Facebook status. 

hilarious facebook status messages

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___ This crazy chick figured out all the accounts I was stalking her with. What a psycho!! 
____ The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie? 
____ Uno gross face. (Just dusting up on my Spanish.) 
____ The easiest way for me to tell if a woman is really listening to me is if she rolls her eyes.
____ Some stupid girl just called me immature which is ridiculous...because I'm 21 and a half.
____ I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?" 
____ My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination. 
____ I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?
____ Took a random unmarked pill I found on the floor because times are tough and no matter what happens it'll make for a good Status.
____ I just found a giant booger under the desk. I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and I will call him George. 
____ Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
____ I bet this status is not gonna make it to the blog.
____ Today I had some ice cream without sprinkles. Diets are brutal.
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. 
____ is having a screw driver...minus the orange juice. 
____ I'm glad you like my post. I just hope you don't try to comment and ruin it.
____ If you ever buy a toilette in which the manufacture states you can flush up to 15 golf balls without clogging it up, don't ever try it. That's all I am sayin'
____ I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

Funny facebook status updates

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____ Just got done spanking my monkey. HEY, it pooped on the floor! No real Monkeys were injured during the creation of this status. (Mustache Mann)
____ ♪♫All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom♫♪ ~ Hip Hop Terrorists maybe (Jack Olivar)
____ I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think Hotel California was written about Facebook. (Donny Norris)
____ Bon Jovi, everyone! ~ me on my first day in French class. (Egg Head)
____ Those celery sticks I had for breakfast tasted like a midlife crisis comes A LOT sooner when you drink a fifth every night. (Rae Broman)
____ Ever since I joined MSIB, my speed reading and scrolling abilities have improved. However, my comprehension and giving a sh*t remains the same! (Jack Wagon)
____ My coworker was so clumsy today. This morning he walked into my fist five times. (Adam Apple)
____ I hate when I go to a restaurant and I sit down and my waiter comes over and it's Grover. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I'm the fsatest tyyeper i9n the worsld. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ When a police officer asks for my insurance I explain that my plan will only cover him/her once we're legally wed. And that we belong together. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Someone at work has been stealing my lunch from the refrigerator. Tomorrow, I'm bringing a cat food sandwich. BON APPETIT MOTHER F*CKER!!! (Eric Caro)
____ I was going to order that P90X workout video today when I thought, "baha.... hahahaha.... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I drank till she was pretty, but I ran out of beer before SHE could do the same. Now I sit. All alone. (Mustache Mann)

funny facebook status updates

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____ There've been so many awkward moments, nothing is awkward anymore. 
____ You would be suprised how inexpensive your home entertainment system can be if you can acquire a 4 wheel dolly and a WalMart smock.
____ Whenever I read a hilarious status I convince myself that I thought of it first then I high five myself. 
____ Nothing says "I am ready for a commitment!" like me when I am tanked. Or the fact that I still use plastic utensils.
____ Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new layout? 
____ I don't really care if people don't "like" my posts. I will simply go on with my day by unfriending them, blocking them, finding out where they live, burning their house down and stealing their car. But the last thing I'm gonna do is get upset over something so trivial.
____ My jokes are not always nonsense but when they are I ride my bicycle. 
____ Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3. 

Funny Facebook Warning Status Updates

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ALERT!! Facebook tried to keep this quiet! As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you're in the shower and smack your ass! To change this option, go to Privacy  / Personal  / Smack Your Ass and uncheck the "You Betcha" box.

just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles?

is thinking that with all the technology out there, that someone must have figured out how to create a mirror that actually shows where objects are?

says if wasn't for me, it would just be aweso

thinks it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

has got the moves like Jagger

to find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine with the start/expiry dates and security code. What’s yours?

Hey my vegetarian friends, just a reminder that my food poops on your food... Enjoy that salad!

Some interesting stats... 3,190,374 people are having sex right now, 2,212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. Sucks to be you!

Warning: Facebook may contain traces of Nuts!