FACEBOOK STATUS WHICH ARE FUNNY

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

____ My wife: “What’s Facebook like?” Me: “It’s amazing.” Her: “OK, I’ll join.” Me: “Oh look, Facebook just shut down forever. That’s too bad.” (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Wow.. I didn't know spandex could hold that much. (Toni Daniels)
____ America was not shut down properly. Would you like to restart America in safe mode? (Recommended) (Kara Felice)
____ I would never take a bullet for anyone, because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and stealing is just plain wrong. (Gary Hensley)
____ Personally I think that every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about." ...(Shauna Richards)
____ Bread is so lazy. All it does is loaf around. I'll leave now. (Stacy Fournier)
____ If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those. (Gary Hensley)
____ Call me crazy, but I don't think I really need to be in this mental institution. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure & called an ambulance. (Billy Guy)
____ Every time this status gets a 'Like' a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ No, Ignorance isn't bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid. (Lisa Brooks)

funny facebook status updates 2013

____ Marriage is basically just 99% replying to each other with... "I don't care, what do you want for dinner?" 
____ Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you're in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. 
____ The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work.
____ The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. 
____ Me: Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three...
911 Operator: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?
Me: Maybe
911 Operator: Sir...please stop 
____ I woke up late. - obamas fault. I stubbed my toe - obamas fault. I hit a squirrel - obamas fault. I have indigestion - obamas fault. I hate you - obamas fault. 
____ Had a good workout at the gym today. 50 reps on the bench press. Working my way up to actually putting weights on the bar.
____ ...so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down... 

Funny facebook status updates / funny tweets

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
3. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
4. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
5. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
6. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. The longer the title the less important the job.
9. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

funny quotes by famous people

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.

- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

-Bruce Baum

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.

- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.

- Robert Gronock.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

- Frank

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.

- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

- Dan Quayle

Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."

- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

- Dolph Sharp

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

- George Carlin

Latest funny facebook updates / Funny tweets

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :).

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

attention grabbing tweets for twitter

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

41. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ~ George Carlin.

42. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

43. I just took an IQ test and the results were negative!

44. I actually just complained that my back was sore from lying by the pool yesterday. I'm officially worthless.

45. A law that made itillegalto lie about military medals has just been overturned. Also, my resumé just got interesting.

46. Watching televised golf is the equivalent of waiting to die.

47. Why is it every time I see a girl with a tiara on her head,I have to fight an overwhelming urge to smack it off their head.

48. Just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!

49. Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open.

50. People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. Anyone who actually saw you vanish would be pretty freaked out.

Nice facebook status updates

Click on advertisements on this page, support my site :-)

11. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

12. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?

13. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.

14. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.

15. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things.

16. Japan's new first lady saysaliensonce took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.

17. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.

18. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.

19. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

20. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

Funny Facebook updates and funny tweets

Click on advertisements on this page, support my site :-)

1. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.

2. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.

3. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.

4. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

5. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

6. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

7. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.

8. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression?

9. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

10. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.

funny facebook status updates

Click on advertisements on this page, support my site :-)


___ Hey, person I went to high school with: If your Facebook friend request is more communication than we had in high school, the answer is no. 
____ The first rule of foot up your ass club is stfu.
____ "My nickname is "Snooze" because I get hit on a lot!" - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. 
____ All this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
____ When I die I want my gravestone to say, "Don't just stand there, water my flowers!!" (Donna Scott)
____ What is wrong with me!!!? Asking for a friend. 
____ Roses are red and violets are blue, which makes "violet" a really stupid name for them.
____ Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.
____ I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver. 
____ Siri never talks to me. Probably because I don't have an iPhone 4. 

New funny facebook status updates

Click on advertisements on this page, support my site :-)


___ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood.
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 
____ In honor of my 100th post on MSIB, baconvodkastatusrockslotsoflikes. 
____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman? 
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts. 
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves.
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it.
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you. 
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans?
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

Hilarious facebook status updates

Click on advertisements on this page, support my site :-)





____ My best friend is Hilarious! (Well, her name's Hilary, and she's Greek) 
____ I posted a joke on the wall at work and no one liked it. :( 
____ I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich. 
____ I hate being Bipolar. It's great! 
____ A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered. 
____ My Optician told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision. 
____ You can tell me it was curiosity but I have a feeling it was obesity that killed that fat ass cat. 
____ "Want to get a drink?" "Later" "How about now?" "Later.." "Now?" "Later.." "Now?" - If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend.
____ FYI: No, I’m not feeling violent.... I’m feeling creative with weapons. 
____ I think I'm gonna listen to my Seal CD on the way home. Ooooowwa Ooooowwa Ooooowwa!
I taped it at SeaWorld. 
____ I'm kind of a hipster because I broke my hip way before osteoperosis set in. 
____ I was going through customs at the airport and was asked if I had any drugs. Apparently "what do you need?" was the wrong answer. 

hilarious facebook status updates

Click on advertisements on this page, support my site :-)


____ ◄ is looking forward to a weekend full of regretful behavior and irreversible decisions. 
____ I'm pretty sure I could beat up a shark. 
____ "Well, I tried." -any judge at the end of any given work day 
____ Sometimes I like to storm into the office yelling "OK PEOPLE! I WANNA SEE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE!" while throwing underwear in everyone's faces and leaving before they realize I don't work there. 
____ Like this status and I will post naked for the next hour. Won't do much for you guys, but it'll certainly liven up Starbucks. 
____ This status brought to you by the fact that my autocorrect knows when I'm drunk. 
____ Nothing in life is free. Other than the stuff you successfully steal. 
____ FYI- I have a high success rate at leaving people for dead. 
____ I haven't been in a relationship for so long, Facebook just asked if I am okay. 
____ "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
____ If I could do a back flip, you'd know it.... because that's how I would enter and exit every room. Always.
____ I WANNA ROCK! - Dee Snider at a quarry. 
____ Whoever said "You can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me use the last sheet of toilet paper. 

Hilarious facebook updates

:-) Pls Click on advertisements on this page, support my site :-)


NAME...

will update her Facebook status for money!

is so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

is so poor that she got married for the rice.

can't even afford the last letter to update her statu_!

{ :) click on ads if u liked this post,support my site :) }
is so broke that she went to the bank for a loan and they asked for their calender back.

is so poor that she can't even afford to pay attention.

is so broke that she had to eat her cereal with a fork to save on milk.

is so poor she can't even give you her two cents!

is so broke that she can't afford to be wrong.

wonders if she can qualify for a government bailout package?