funny quotes by famous people

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.

- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

-Bruce Baum

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.

- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.

- Robert Gronock.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

- Frank

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.

- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

- Dan Quayle

Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."

- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

- Dolph Sharp

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

- George Carlin

funny facebook status updates

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___ Hey, person I went to high school with: If your Facebook friend request is more communication than we had in high school, the answer is no. 
____ The first rule of foot up your ass club is stfu.
____ "My nickname is "Snooze" because I get hit on a lot!" - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. 
____ All this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
____ When I die I want my gravestone to say, "Don't just stand there, water my flowers!!" (Donna Scott)
____ What is wrong with me!!!? Asking for a friend. 
____ Roses are red and violets are blue, which makes "violet" a really stupid name for them.
____ Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.
____ I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver. 
____ Siri never talks to me. Probably because I don't have an iPhone 4. 

New funny facebook status updates

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___ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood.
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 
____ In honor of my 100th post on MSIB, baconvodkastatusrockslotsoflikes. 
____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman? 
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts. 
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves.
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it.
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you. 
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans?
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

Humorous Definitions

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Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.