attention grabbing tweets for twitter

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41. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ~ George Carlin.

42. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

43. I just took an IQ test and the results were negative!

44. I actually just complained that my back was sore from lying by the pool yesterday. I'm officially worthless.

45. A law that made itillegalto lie about military medals has just been overturned. Also, my resumé just got interesting.

46. Watching televised golf is the equivalent of waiting to die.

47. Why is it every time I see a girl with a tiara on her head,I have to fight an overwhelming urge to smack it off their head.

48. Just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!

49. Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open.

50. People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. Anyone who actually saw you vanish would be pretty freaked out.

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11. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

12. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?

13. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.

14. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.

15. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things.

16. Japan's new first lady saysaliensonce took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.

17. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.

18. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.

19. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

20. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.