funny tweets that can make you laugh

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61. All extremists should be taken out and shot

62. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

63. Death is hereditary.

64. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

65. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

66. I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order…like they should be.

67. I use to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

68. I was bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.

69. Wonders why Noah didn’t kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

70. Mantra: Today I will do amazing things. Or eat pancakes.

Clever facebook updates / Clever tweets

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51. I know I seem calm but, its probably because in my mind, I've killed you three times today.

52. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

53. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

54. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

55. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

56. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

57. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

58. Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

59. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

60. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

attention grabbing tweets for twitter

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41. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ~ George Carlin.

42. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

43. I just took an IQ test and the results were negative!

44. I actually just complained that my back was sore from lying by the pool yesterday. I'm officially worthless.

45. A law that made itillegalto lie about military medals has just been overturned. Also, my resumé just got interesting.

46. Watching televised golf is the equivalent of waiting to die.

47. Why is it every time I see a girl with a tiara on her head,I have to fight an overwhelming urge to smack it off their head.

48. Just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!

49. Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open.

50. People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. Anyone who actually saw you vanish would be pretty freaked out.

Funny Facebook updates and funny tweets

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1. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.

2. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.

3. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.

4. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

5. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

6. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

7. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.

8. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression?

9. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

10. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.

funny facebook status updates

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___ Hey, person I went to high school with: If your Facebook friend request is more communication than we had in high school, the answer is no. 
____ The first rule of foot up your ass club is stfu.
____ "My nickname is "Snooze" because I get hit on a lot!" - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. 
____ All this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
____ When I die I want my gravestone to say, "Don't just stand there, water my flowers!!" (Donna Scott)
____ What is wrong with me!!!? Asking for a friend. 
____ Roses are red and violets are blue, which makes "violet" a really stupid name for them.
____ Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.
____ I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver. 
____ Siri never talks to me. Probably because I don't have an iPhone 4. 

New funny facebook status updates

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___ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood.
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 
____ In honor of my 100th post on MSIB, baconvodkastatusrockslotsoflikes. 
____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman? 
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts. 
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves.
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it.
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you. 
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans?
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

witty facebook status updates

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____ There once was a fellow who was kinda mellow, He sat on his couch and facebooked. His wife didn't like it, took his Ipad and spiked it. Thank God he still has his nook. 
____ NAKED LADY WALKING RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF 7TH!! And that's how I got the last 2 donuts. 
____ Doctors advised Willie Nelson that having his deviated septum fixed would ruin his career...
____ My name is Daniel, not that anyone cares. 
____ What if I only want half the shebang? wtf. 
____ High mai naym is Miz.Speld. I'll bee yore teechur tooday. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working. 
____ I had a dream that I was the bottom of a vodka bottle. 
____ Ok guys I just finished my lunch so now I'm off to work...on a new status idea! 
____ Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds, huh? 
____ I need a major attitude adjustment.. and I think I just found it in this bong. 
____ Sometimes, when I don't want anyone to talk to me, I stand on a busy street corner with a clip board. 
____ I'm pretty jealous of strippers because having their periods is a legitimate excuse to not come in to work.

weird facebook status updates

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____ It's funny how Disney films sometimes have hidden subliminal messages. For example, play Cinderella in reverse and it's the story of a woman who learns her place. 
____ I give the thumbs up ALL THE TIME. (If you replace thumbs with middle fingers) 
____ ever wondered how many weirdos have printed your profile pic, put it in their wallet, and gone around telling everyone you're their girlfriend? 
____ Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later. 
____ Why does everybody assume that I play the banjo? I do but DANG!
____ I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy. 
____ I always go to work on my birthday... just for the free cake! 
____ I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline" 
____ I am looking forward to the 3D Titanic movie because I anticipate that that scene where the two young lovers are at the front of the ship pretending to fly will make for an awesome Kate Winslett boobie shot. 
____ Today is one of those days where f*ck you. 
____ I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE! I just kinda sidestep and stroll off whistling with my hands in my pockets. 
____ I’ve given the finger so many times today, I think it’s stuck in position. That means I'm all set for the rest of the week. :)
____ I love my job as a stone collector...it rocks!
____ Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. 

Different Facebook updates

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Name is
-reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status
-will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min
-very very very slee
-Right BEHIND YOU! Boo!
-going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it...
-such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...
-Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!
-the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter
-to sexy for this status
-bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!
-hip to your jive talk
-dy-no-mite
-wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB
-the guy who put the FUN in dysfunctional
-an undercover cop
-calculating pi
-America's next top model!
-updating his Facebook status