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1. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.
2. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.
3. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.
4. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
5. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.
6. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?
7. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.
8. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression?
9. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
10. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.
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