New funny facebook status updates

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___ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood.
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 
____ In honor of my 100th post on MSIB, baconvodkastatusrockslotsoflikes. 
____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman? 
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts. 
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves.
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it.
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you. 
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans?
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

funny facebook status updates

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Name

-understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

-thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

-is just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

-sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

-pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

-thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

-thinks work is for people who don't know how to fish!

-just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

-is thinking that this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

-'s co-workers think he's a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

Funny One Liners

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The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

~Author : Ann Landers Famous one liners



Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.
~Author : Mao Tsetung Inspirational Sayings



Be true to your work, your word, and your friend.
~Author : Henry David Thoreau Nice one liners



The trust I have is in mine innocence,

and therefore am I bold and resolute.
~Author : William Shakespeare Great Sayings



There are times when God asks nothing of his children except silence, patience and tears.
~Author : C S Robinson Meaningful Sayings



The real satisfaction which praise can afford, is when what is repeated aloud agrees with the whispers of conscience, by showing us that we have not endeavored to deserve well in vain.
~Author : Johnson Popular Sayings



Procrastination is like a credit card it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
~Author : Christopher Parker Wise Quotes

Funny T-Shirt Inspired Facebook Status Updates

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NAME...

-childproofed his house, but they still get in.

-is still hot. It just comes in flashes.

-thinks at her age, "getting lucky" means finding her car in the parking lot.

-'s reality cheque just bounced.

-is not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

-says Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

-is not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

-says keep staring....I may do a trick.

-is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.

-washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word "exercise".

FUNNY RANDOM FACEBOOK AND ORKUT STATUS MESSAGES

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NAME...

-Works for the department of redundant departments.

-ask if you expect mere proof to sway his opinion?

-wonders if you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

-just found out that they took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary!

-wonders if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

-reminds you to not play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

-says don't read everything you believe.

-says don't sweat petty things — or pet sweaty things.
-
pleads that you don't treat me any differently than you would the King.
-
is going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.