Hilarious facebook status updates / funny tweets

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21. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirtypirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

22. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

23. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.

24. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.

25. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

26. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

27. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

28. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

29. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

30. Wishing yourpetscould talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

Funny Facebook updates and funny tweets

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1. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.

2. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.

3. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.

4. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

5. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

6. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

7. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.

8. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression?

9. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

10. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.

awesome status updates

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• ____ You know that little blue button that says "share"? Well some of you need to pretend it isn't there. Thanks :)
  ____ Why is there always an Awkward silence after any "moment of silence"?
  ____ I did drugs for the first time today...I do them everyday, I'm just saying I woke up a few minutes ago. 
  ____ Hey, I bought you a new necklace. It's made out of rope and it's hanging from the ceiling. Why don't you go try it on? 
  ____ Every now and then I look at my dog and remind him that he’s adopted and his real parents didn’t want him. 
• I know what dude I am. I’m the dude playin’ the dude, disguised as another dude!
• Pump your brakes, kid. That man’s a national treasure.
• Being an actor’s no different than being a rugby player or construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms which trigger human emotion.
• • #You have to do the best with what God gave you.
  • My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
  • Me and Jenny goes together like peas and carrots.
  • 
    

Christmas Status messages for facebook

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Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

Christmas, my child, is love in action.

A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world!

If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love away.

Selfishness makes Christmas a burden, love makes it a delight.

A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.

Christmas day is a day of joy and charity. May God make you very rich in both.

Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.

The only blind person at Christmas time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

The best Christmas of all is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up with one another.

Christmas is the keeping-place for memories of our innocence.

Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first.

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.

Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.

A little smile, a word of cheer, A bit of love from someone near, A little gift from one held dear, Best wishes for the coming year…
These make a Merry Christmas!

We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give.

Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; Teach us to be patient and always to be kind.

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

A Christmas candle is a lovely thing; It makes no noise at all, But softly gives itself away; While quite unselfish, it grows small.

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.

Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.

Remember this December, that love weighs more than gold!

At Christmas play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year.

Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.

Break up Status message for facebook

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A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it.

No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.

Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.

Take away love and our earth is a tomb.
- Robert Browning

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

The heart was made to be broken.
- Oscar Wilde

Just give me time and I’ll get over you.

Everyone tells me I should forget about you, you don’t deserve me. They’re right, you don’t deserve me, but I deserve you.

When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. You are no longer alive.

I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.

It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you

Sometimes the person you really need is the one you didn’t think you wanted.

Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.
- Astrid Alauda

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up.

As soon as forever is through, I’ll be over you.
- Toto

There’s a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there’s nothing I can say to make her feel all right.

I was born the day I met you, lived a while when you loved me, died a little when we broke apart.

The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don’t love you back.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.
- Lamartine

I don’t want to keep being the girl that keeps crying about the same things.

You don’t realize how much you care about someone until they don’t care about you.

I wish you weren’t in my dreams.

If you can’t save the relationship, at least save your pride.

Birthday Status updates for facebook

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Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents … and only one for birthday presents, you know.

No wise man ever wished to be younger.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that somebody remembers me.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

From our birthday, until we die, Is but the winking of an eye.

May you live all the days of your life.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.

The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity.

For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of ‘you’ to the world.

Hope your Birthday gently breezes into your life all the choicest of things and all that your heart holds dear Have A Fun- Filled Day.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday”.

Youth is a disease from which we all recover.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time.

Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words.

Bible Status updates for facebook

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Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellers there is safety.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and never succeed.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.

Wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

He that has pity on the poor lends to the Lord.

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.

The truth shall make you free.

The testimony of the Lord is sure making wise the simple.

Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

The ear tests words as the tongue tastes food.

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.

But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night.

In much wisdom is much grief; and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

He who sits in the heavens shall laugh.

You were united to your wife by the Lord. In God’s wise plan, when you married, the two of you became one person in his sight.

Best friend Status updates for facebook

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A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walk out.
- Walter Winchell

A best friend shares the good times and help you out by listening during the bad times.

One’s best friend is oneself.

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
- Bernard Meltzer

Best friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway.
- Elbert Hubbard

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
- Anais Nin

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.

Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn’t jump with them, I’d be at the bottom to catch them.

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
- John Leonard

There is nothing worth the wear of winning, but laughter and the love of friends.

One who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure.

A friend is a gift one give oneself.
- Robert Louis Stevenson

Good friends are like stars…. You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

My best friend is the one who brings out the best of me.
- Henry Ford

The medicine of life is to have true faithful friends.

True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

A best friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself.

Lots of your friends want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
- Oprah Winfrey

The best mirror in the world is an old friend.

A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends.If not, they weren’t true friends in the first place.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.

A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should.

True friends are very difficult to find, hard to leave, and impossible to forget.

A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Hold a true friend with both your hands.

A friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself.
- Jim Morrison

When you look around and your world is crumbling or when you think no one loves you, your best friend is the one to run to you.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say.

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half cracked.

Thick and thin, tall and small, fast and slow. Tell me who is always there for you. I am sure you know. Your best friend, of course, don’t let him or her go.