FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT LOVE

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____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definitely be a Facebook option. 
____ I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own
____ Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd. 
____ Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? 
____ Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic.
____ If you like someone, tell them. Or just stalk them on every social network and cry yourself to sleep every night. It's whatevs.
____ It's better to have loved and lost than to have me punch you in the esophagus.
____ Every now and then I like to reflect on marriage and think to myself, "Where would I be, if not for my husband?" Then I get all depressed and have to stop because I keep coming up with all these great answers.
____ You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date.

FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

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____ "Are you single?" "No, I'm in a committed endless discussion about where to have dinner." 
____ The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
____ I think once we get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges, we can really make this relationship work. 
____ You call it stalking...I call it a complicated long distance relationship with lack of effort to make this thing work on your part. 
____ You call it Russian Roulette. I call it coming home to my wife every day.
____ that awkward moment when you realize your husband DOES check Facebook. 
____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definitely be a Facebook option. 
____ I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.
____ Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
____ Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? 

Funny facebook status updates / funny tweets

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1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
3. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
4. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
5. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
6. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. The longer the title the less important the job.
9. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

funny facebook status updates on olympians / funny tweets about olympics

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1. Rain……Official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games.
2. The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
3. Just got my tickets to the Olympic women’s beach volleyball final! Unfortunately, it’s Iran versus Saudi Arabia.
4. Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics
5. How about those Olympic uniforms? They’re made by Ralph Lauren and they’re beautiful. They’re colorful, they’re odd. I mean they look like the cast of ‘Glee.’
6. President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president
7. The 2012 Olympic games opening will have great lights, huge bangs and the guaranteed surprise thrown in here and there, the Taliban are confident it’ll be the best one yet.
8. 
   
9. At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it’s 150,000. That’s 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else
10. 
    
11. The government have advised people to watch out that they’re not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets. I think I’ll be alright though. My tickets for the men’s wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

funny and hilarious tweets on london olympics 2012

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                 The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone feel proud        together on a global level. #worldpeace

China is only winning in the olympics because they made all the equipment.

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I really don't need the Olympics reminding me of how lazy I am.

If I can't identify a nation's flag or abbreviation whilst watching the Olympics, I assume it's a corporation.

McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is like the Kardashians sponsoring a job fair.

The Olympics are being streamed online, so last night at 3 a.m. I tried to convince my wife I was on the computer watching archery.

Instead of Archery and Judo, there should be an Olympics for modern survival skills, like typing really fast and SEO optimization.

My tweet critiquing NBC's tape-delayed Olympic coverage will be available for reading in a few hours.

Rain. Official Sponsor of the London 2012 Olympics.

It's great when Olympic commentators say "She really wants to take home the gold today" because it really helps me understand the sport.

Yay Olympics for making me feel irrationally competitive towards other countries.

BREAKING: Athlete Without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled from Olympics #2012LondonOlympics #Olympics

Tape delay events rest of the world watches live? Check! Website info? Limited! Hire Seacrest. Done! It's show time, boys!"- NBC

I know this probably goes against the spirit of the Olympics, but all events really should be to the death.

funny quotes by famous people

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.

- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

-Bruce Baum

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.

- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.

- Robert Gronock.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

- Frank

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.

- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

- Dan Quayle

Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."

- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

- Dolph Sharp

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

- George Carlin

Latest funny facebook updates / Funny tweets

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It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGES

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1. ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

2. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

3. Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

4. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

5. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

6. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

7. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

8. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

9. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

10. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

funny tweets that can make you laugh

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61. All extremists should be taken out and shot

62. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

63. Death is hereditary.

64. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

65. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

66. I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order…like they should be.

67. I use to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

68. I was bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.

69. Wonders why Noah didn’t kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

70. Mantra: Today I will do amazing things. Or eat pancakes.

Clever facebook updates / Clever tweets

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51. I know I seem calm but, its probably because in my mind, I've killed you three times today.

52. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

53. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

54. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

55. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

56. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

57. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

58. Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

59. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

60. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

attention grabbing tweets for twitter

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41. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ~ George Carlin.

42. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

43. I just took an IQ test and the results were negative!

44. I actually just complained that my back was sore from lying by the pool yesterday. I'm officially worthless.

45. A law that made itillegalto lie about military medals has just been overturned. Also, my resumé just got interesting.

46. Watching televised golf is the equivalent of waiting to die.

47. Why is it every time I see a girl with a tiara on her head,I have to fight an overwhelming urge to smack it off their head.

48. Just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!

49. Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open.

50. People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. Anyone who actually saw you vanish would be pretty freaked out.

Funny tweets for twitter

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31. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.

32. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

33. We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

34. Had pie for breakfast, now going to ride my mountain bike and listen to punk rock and heavy metal. Suck it, adulthood. I win.

35. If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will hide my porn.

36. I'll be moving to LA and staying there for the first three months of 2010. I'll be looking for friends and, if that fails, cocaine.

37. "Twilight" and "New Moon" are great names for strippers.

38. Can you claim "temporary insanity" in daily life/ text situations or does it have to be court related?

39. When im talking to someone, i tend to lose interest after about 140 characters.

40. "The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." –Abraham Lincoln

Nice facebook status updates

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11. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

12. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?

13. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.

14. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.

15. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things.

16. Japan's new first lady saysaliensonce took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.

17. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.

18. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.

19. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

20. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

Funny Facebook updates and funny tweets

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1. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.

2. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.

3. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.

4. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

5. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

6. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

7. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.

8. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression?

9. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

10. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.

Kristen and robert cheating funny facebook status updates

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"As Syria spirals into civil war, CNN asks: Should Robert Pattinson forgive Kristen Stewart for cheating?" — 

"I mean, Kristen Stewart apologized to R-Patz in PEOPLE MAGAZINE? Doesn't she have any contact info for him?" — 

"At least now Kristen Stewart has a reason to look awkward and uncomfortable in public..." — 

"I refuse to work until Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson make it through this rough patch." — 

"Kim Jong-un marriage is announced as Kristen Stewart apologizes to Robert Pattinson for cheating. It's like an SAT analogy question." — 

"Finally figured out what I care about less than anything else--who Kristen Stewart is sleeping with." — 

"What is wrong with the world today that Kristen Stewart has two boyfriends and I only have one?" — 

"Kristin Stewart and Rupert Sanders - still a better love story than #Twilight." — 

"Kristen Stewart allegedly cheated on Robert Pattinson. This would have never happened with Cho Chang!" — 

"Kristen Stewart can expect an edible arrangement from Tom Cruise in the next day or two." — 

funny facebook status updates for attention seekers!! :D

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__ None of my friends ask if I want to know what they're thinking anymore. They just blurt it out on Facebook and hope I care
____ I just passed a breathalyzer...back to the cop! Like I need THAT to know that I'm drunk. Idiot! 

____ Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job. 
____ Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people. 
____ I pooped in a plastic egg and put it in my neighbors bushes. Cant wait for his annoying kid to find it. 
____ My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car. 
____ 11 airbags? Pretty soon cars will be padded, human sized hampster balls. 
____ Second only to my giant hamster ball for zombie defense is my razor blade hula hoop. 
____ I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!
____ The smile on my face doesn't mean my life is perfect. It means I'm way too drunk to change my expression. 

Attention grabbing facebook status updates

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____ If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain then you should move to Puerto Rico cause that's were the drink was invented and it rains like seven months out of the year over there and also I will never have to hear you sing that stupid song again.
____ Drinking promotes freedom of speech. Call me tonight and I'll tell what I really think of you!
____ "I Love My Wife" bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.
____ If one more person makes a crappy joke about poop I'm dung with them!
____ M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name
____ I never cease to be amazed by the levels of awesomeness I achieve on a daily basis.
____ There should be a warning label on Captain Crunch which reads: "WARNING: Will probably f*** the roof of your mouth up." 
____ Eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes... THEY'RRRRRRRRRE alright, I guess 
____ I don't like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
____ That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there's that one person who ruins it by saying something serious.
____ "You won’t like me when I’m angry. Becase I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources." 
____ The cop asked me for my papers. I gave him my Zig-Zags. I think he prefers Jokers. :{ 
____ I have lost my mojo. If anyone finds it, let me know. It's wearing lipgloss, fishnets and smells like JLO perfume. 
____ When people ask me Plz because it's shorter than please, I tell them no because it's shorter than yes. 

funny one liner facebook status updates

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____ My favorite ingredient in this trail mix is the Xanax.
____ I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shoes IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.
____ Where does Wi-fi go when it dissappears? Probably just around the corner laughing at me.
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birthdate to the next day on Facebook to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either
____ Last night my status was "sleeping naked." I got "likes" from 4 girls, 1 guy and 6 mosquitoes. 
____ Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA!
____ Feminine sanitation jokes are inappropriate. Period.
____ I broke up with my treadmill. We're not working out. :(
____ I'd jump in front of a train for you. As long as its not moving. 
____ I failed a health and safety test at work today. The question was "What steps would you take if there was a fire?" "Big damn ones" was the wrong answer.
____ Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. 
____ It's called a car alarm but it only wakes me and never wakes the car.
____ Admit it! You're just afraid of the like button!
____ Darth Vader had a helluva case of emphysema. 
____ I'm sure I'll regret posting this tomorrow. That's why I'm posting it TONIGHT!

New funny facebook status updates

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___ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood.
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. 
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. 
____ In honor of my 100th post on MSIB, baconvodkastatusrockslotsoflikes. 
____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman? 
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( 
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts. 
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves.
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it.
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you. 
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans?
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. 

hilarious facebook status messages

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___ This crazy chick figured out all the accounts I was stalking her with. What a psycho!! 
____ The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie? 
____ Uno gross face. (Just dusting up on my Spanish.) 
____ The easiest way for me to tell if a woman is really listening to me is if she rolls her eyes.
____ Some stupid girl just called me immature which is ridiculous...because I'm 21 and a half.
____ I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?" 
____ My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination. 
____ I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?
____ Took a random unmarked pill I found on the floor because times are tough and no matter what happens it'll make for a good Status.
____ I just found a giant booger under the desk. I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and I will call him George. 
____ Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
____ I bet this status is not gonna make it to the blog.
____ Today I had some ice cream without sprinkles. Diets are brutal.
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. 
____ is having a screw driver...minus the orange juice. 
____ I'm glad you like my post. I just hope you don't try to comment and ruin it.
____ If you ever buy a toilette in which the manufacture states you can flush up to 15 golf balls without clogging it up, don't ever try it. That's all I am sayin'
____ I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.