funny quotes by famous people

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.

- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

-Bruce Baum

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.

- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.

- Robert Gronock.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

- Frank

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.

- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

- Dan Quayle

Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."

- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

- Dolph Sharp

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

- George Carlin

ARISTOTLE QUOTES / facebook status updates

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A true friend is one soul in two bodies.

Aristotle

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
Aristotle

All men by nature desire knowledge.
Aristotle

Bashfulness is an ornament to youth, but a reproach to old age.
Aristotle


A constitution is the arrangement of magistracies in a state.
Aristotle


A friend to all is a friend to none.
Aristotle



A great city is not to be confounded with a populous one.
Aristotle



A sense is what has the power of receiving into itself the sensible forms of things without the matter, in the way in which a piece of wax takes on the impress of a signet-ring without the iron or gold.
Aristotle



A tragedy is a representation of an action that is whole and complete and of a certain magnitude. A whole is what has a beginning and middle and end.
Aristotle


Both oligarch and tyrant mistrust the people, and therefore deprive them of their arms.
Aristotle



Bring your desires down to your present means. Increase them only when your increased means permit.
Aristotle



Change in all things is sweet.
Aristotle



Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.
Aristotle



All virtue is summed up in dealing justly.
Aristotle



Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.
Aristotle



At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst.
Aristotle


Bad men are full of repentance.
Aristotle


A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider god-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side.

Aristotle

Mark Twain Quotes / facebook status updates

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Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

-- (New York Journal, June 1897)

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

Man - a figment of God's imagination.

It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.

-- Commenting on the Bible.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt

Albert Einstein quotes / facebook status updates

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The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.


The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.

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Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.

Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player.

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new