funny quotes by famous people

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.

- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

-Bruce Baum

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.

- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.

- Robert Gronock.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

- Frank

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.

- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

- Dan Quayle

Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."

- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

- Dolph Sharp

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

- George Carlin

Latest funny facebook updates / Funny tweets

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It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGES

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1. ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

2. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

3. Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

4. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

5. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

6. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

7. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

8. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

9. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

10. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

funny tweets that can make you laugh

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61. All extremists should be taken out and shot

62. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

63. Death is hereditary.

64. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

65. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

66. I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order…like they should be.

67. I use to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

68. I was bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.

69. Wonders why Noah didn’t kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

70. Mantra: Today I will do amazing things. Or eat pancakes.

Clever facebook updates / Clever tweets

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51. I know I seem calm but, its probably because in my mind, I've killed you three times today.

52. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

53. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

54. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

55. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

56. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

57. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

58. Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

59. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

60. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Hilarious facebook status updates / funny tweets

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21. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirtypirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

22. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

23. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.

24. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.

25. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

26. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

27. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

28. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

29. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

30. Wishing yourpetscould talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

Funny Facebook updates and funny tweets

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1. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.

2. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.

3. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.

4. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

5. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

6. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

7. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.

8. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression?

9. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

10. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.