Hilarious facebook status updates / funny tweets

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21. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirtypirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

22. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

23. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.

24. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.

25. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

26. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

27. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

28. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

29. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

30. Wishing yourpetscould talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

Nice facebook status updates

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11. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

12. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?

13. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.

14. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.

15. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things.

16. Japan's new first lady saysaliensonce took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.

17. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.

18. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.

19. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

20. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

Funny SMS

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One Liners


Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -

Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!


HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?


This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you


Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.


A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Attention seeking facebook updates

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NAME

…is A) Crazy, B) Drunk, C) Delirious, or D) All of the above.


…is A) Hot, B) Cool, C) Lukewarm, or D) Sub-zero

…is the only male/female left on earth. What would you do?

…should get A) a haircut, B) a tattoo, C) a piercing, or D) all of the above.

…should get A) an afro, B) dreadlocks, C) a mullet, or D) a moptop.

…is thinking about learning a new language. Suggestions are welcome.

…is at your house.

…grants you ONE wish…

…changed his/her status update just to see your reaction

…is playing hide-and-seek.