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11. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
12. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
13. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
14. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.
15. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things.
16. Japan's new first lady saysaliensonce took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.
17. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
18. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.
19. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.
20. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
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