witty

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Tactfulness: 
____ thinks that tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.
Bad day: 
____ should really just start wearing a helmet everywhere I go.
____ doesn't want to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
For the resume: 
____ types a hundred words a minute, but it's in my own language.
Summer weather:
____ thinks that it's not the heat, its the stupidity. 
Kids: 
____ thinks that if at first you don't succeed, you should pray that your future Honor Roll student takes care of you.
Facebook Status update about Facebook:
____ thinks that if your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

witty facebook updates

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NAME

-has just made the internet eight words longer


-statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate

-people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses

-do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles

-statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy

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-my girlfriend said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect

-people reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid)

-whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

-my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing

-dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned

 -feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes

Remarks-witty

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Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.

You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.

It's your life -- but I wish you'd let us have it. Hey, act your age -- senile!

I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.

In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."

We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.

We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.

Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

Witty One Liners

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?