FACEBOOK STATUS WHICH ARE FUNNY

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

____ My wife: “What’s Facebook like?” Me: “It’s amazing.” Her: “OK, I’ll join.” Me: “Oh look, Facebook just shut down forever. That’s too bad.” (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Wow.. I didn't know spandex could hold that much. (Toni Daniels)
____ America was not shut down properly. Would you like to restart America in safe mode? (Recommended) (Kara Felice)
____ I would never take a bullet for anyone, because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and stealing is just plain wrong. (Gary Hensley)
____ Personally I think that every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about." ...(Shauna Richards)
____ Bread is so lazy. All it does is loaf around. I'll leave now. (Stacy Fournier)
____ If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those. (Gary Hensley)
____ Call me crazy, but I don't think I really need to be in this mental institution. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure & called an ambulance. (Billy Guy)
____ Every time this status gets a 'Like' a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ No, Ignorance isn't bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid. (Lisa Brooks)

funny facebook status updates 2013

____ Marriage is basically just 99% replying to each other with... "I don't care, what do you want for dinner?" 
____ Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you're in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. 
____ The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work.
____ The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. 
____ Me: Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three...
911 Operator: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?
Me: Maybe
911 Operator: Sir...please stop 
____ I woke up late. - obamas fault. I stubbed my toe - obamas fault. I hit a squirrel - obamas fault. I have indigestion - obamas fault. I hate you - obamas fault. 
____ Had a good workout at the gym today. 50 reps on the bench press. Working my way up to actually putting weights on the bar.
____ ...so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down... 

Funny and hilarious Facebook status updates on london olympics 2012 / funny and hilarious tweets on london olympics 2012

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

1. Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE! 
2. That awkward moment when you realize Gabby Douglas’ last name unscrambled is “USA Gold”. Congrats Gabby Douglas!
3. Facebook is like a diary for me. An awesome funny diary that sometimes, annoyingly, talks back.
4. If you dont know, please ask. If you dont agree, Argue. If you dont like it, please say it. But don’t sit there quiet and judge me.
5. Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
6. Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person says: hi
7. Knowing your family so well that you can tell who’s coming down the stairs by the sound of their footsteps.
8. Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates.
9. Little known fact 83 million Facebook accounts are fake! That’s 1 in 12 accounts.
10. Life is like Facebook. People will like your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
11. From this point on; I’m going to treat people exactly how they treat me. Some should be glad. Others should be scared.

funny tweets that can make you laugh

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

61. All extremists should be taken out and shot

62. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

63. Death is hereditary.

64. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

65. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

66. I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order…like they should be.

67. I use to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

68. I was bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.

69. Wonders why Noah didn’t kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

70. Mantra: Today I will do amazing things. Or eat pancakes.

Clever facebook updates / Clever tweets

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

51. I know I seem calm but, its probably because in my mind, I've killed you three times today.

52. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

53. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

54. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

55. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

56. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

57. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

58. Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

59. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

60. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Funny tweets for twitter

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

31. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.

32. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

33. We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

34. Had pie for breakfast, now going to ride my mountain bike and listen to punk rock and heavy metal. Suck it, adulthood. I win.

35. If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will hide my porn.

36. I'll be moving to LA and staying there for the first three months of 2010. I'll be looking for friends and, if that fails, cocaine.

37. "Twilight" and "New Moon" are great names for strippers.

38. Can you claim "temporary insanity" in daily life/ text situations or does it have to be court related?

39. When im talking to someone, i tend to lose interest after about 140 characters.

40. "The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." –Abraham Lincoln

Hilarious facebook status updates / funny tweets

Click on advertisements on this page. A part of the revenue goes towards charity :)

21. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirtypirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

22. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

23. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.

24. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.

25. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

26. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

27. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

28. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

29. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

30. Wishing yourpetscould talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

Nice facebook status updates

Click on advertisements on this page, support my site :-)

11. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

12. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?

13. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.

14. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.

15. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things.

16. Japan's new first lady saysaliensonce took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.

17. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.

18. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.

19. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

20. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.