funny facebook status updates 2013

____ Marriage is basically just 99% replying to each other with... "I don't care, what do you want for dinner?" 
____ Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you're in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. 
____ The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work.
____ The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. 
____ Me: Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three...
911 Operator: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?
Me: Maybe
911 Operator: Sir...please stop 
____ I woke up late. - obamas fault. I stubbed my toe - obamas fault. I hit a squirrel - obamas fault. I have indigestion - obamas fault. I hate you - obamas fault. 
____ Had a good workout at the gym today. 50 reps on the bench press. Working my way up to actually putting weights on the bar.
____ ...so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down... 

FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT LOVE

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____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definitely be a Facebook option. 
____ I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own
____ Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd. 
____ Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? 
____ Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic.
____ If you like someone, tell them. Or just stalk them on every social network and cry yourself to sleep every night. It's whatevs.
____ It's better to have loved and lost than to have me punch you in the esophagus.
____ Every now and then I like to reflect on marriage and think to myself, "Where would I be, if not for my husband?" Then I get all depressed and have to stop because I keep coming up with all these great answers.
____ You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date.