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.."Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player." --Marsha Warfield"
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams "
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres "
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney "
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too." --Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett "I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling "
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown "
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane "
.."Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player." --Marsha Warfield"
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams "
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres "
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney "
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too." --Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett "I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling "
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown "
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane "
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